At some point in our lives we have picked up the belief that being a kind and loving person means that we can’t say NO to people should they ask a request of us, invite us to something, or even when they are saying something we don’t like. We become very agreeable, nice and likeable but not respected, especially not respecting of ourselves.
We end up apologising for who we are and what we really want, in fact we apologise so much we feel being the real us isn’t enough, so instead we mould to what we think others want us to be, we do what others want us to do.
We don’t want to offend, we don’t want to ‘let me people down’, we don’t want to stand out too much by being different from the rest.
We give our time and our energy endlessly, never really having enough for ourselves. So deep down we are resentful of the choices we make, we wish we could say no more, we wish we could be more loving to ourselves and do the things that we really want to do.
We wish we had more time for ourselves, we wish we could stand up for ourselves and what we believe, authentically and unapololegtically expressing our values and who we are. We wish we had more time for incredible experiences, holidays, events we love, travels, our passions and even the creative work we really love, instead of spending time with people we only half like to be around, doing the experiences we feel are okay, but not really what we want to be doing with our time if we were really honest with ourselves.
Being kind and loving doesn't mean we have to please others at the expense of our own wants, desires and needs.
The thing is, we can all have that right now, right this very moment. We can all live our lives on our terms, we can all say a solid and committed YES to what we love and a solid NO to what we don’t.
We can create space in our lives for what we really LOVE, we can create balance and ease, fulfilment and pleasure, joy and laughter, presence and love, in fact we can create a deep presence and love for the moment we are experiencing because we have fully chosen to be there, with a solid and committed YES that came from knowing and following what our hearts real desire.
All it takes to live our lives on our terms is a different way of seeing the world around us, we simply need to create new thought patterns, creating a new filter of how we see the world.
We just have to make different decisions, decisions that serve our lives first and foremost, decisions that allow real love and kindness to radiate from us because we have the energy and self-love to do so.
People pleasing is a habit, a pattern in our lives, to change this habit or pattern we must become aware of what is running the “people pleasing show”.
How do we do this?
Well, there are three questions to ask ourselves when wanting to change our people pleasing habits, these questions are:
What are we afraid of losing by saying NO to someone or something?
What are we afraid of having less of when we say NO to someone or something?
The third question is: Have these assumptions ever been true? Or has this assumption ever come true and our life was really affected in a negative way?
Instead of skimming over these questions, I invite you to write them down and delve into the answers for a few minutes.
The key is to connect with our hearts on these questions and feel the answers rather than think them, our hearts being connected to infinite intelligence (it keeps us alive, pumping blood filled with nutrients through our whole body 24/7 without us doing anything conscious to create that, and it is what we listen to when we follow our intuition, we literally follow our hearts) our heart knows exactly what we really want.
Our mind on the other hand creates fear, we make things up in our heads, such as “If I say no, this person won’t like me anymore”, “I’ll be less likeable or less lovable”, “I won’t be as interesting”, “People will think I am boring if I say no”.
We make assumptions for people, we literally put words in peoples heads, I mean these things could be true, but we never actually know that.
So if we don’t know this is true but we simply believe it to be so….. Could we simply believe something else? Could we simply assume something else? Could we change our filter of how we see the world?
Could we choose to instead believe the truth in our hearts?
For instance I’ll write out a few things which are actually TRUE when we are saying NO to experiences and people that do not feel right in our hearts, we know these things are true as soon as we read them, it will resonate with us, it simply FEELS right.
- When we say NO to experiences or people that we DO NOT really want, we CREATE SPACE for experiences and people that we do want.
- When we say NO to what we DO NOT really want, we are giving ourselves respect, just as we respect another persons choice when they give us an answer, we can also respect ourselves for our own wants and needs and following through with those wants and needs.
- When we say YES to people and experiences that we REALLY want, we have a much more fulfilling life, excited by each day that we are living.
- When we say YES and NO depending on what FEELS right at that time, we create balance in our lives in each day that we our living. One day we could have lots of energy so we soak up the YES the next we maybe tired needing to refuel so we say NO a little more often.
- Saying a solid and committed NO because it FEELS right is self-love, saying a solid and committed YES because it FEELS right is self-love.
- By saying NO and sticking by what we do want in our life, people respect us more because they can feel that when we say YES, we really mean it, we and they can feel that it is what we really want in our heart and they can FEEL that YES is a genuine YES!
- When we show up to things we have said a genuine YES too, we show up fully loving and present, not conflicted with the back of the mind thought “I’d rather be doing something else right now”.
- When we say NO to things that we do not like, or boundaries people have overstepped or things people say that go against what WE value. We feel great regardless of the others reaction, the reason being is authenticity is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. To authentically express who we are is self-love.
- We are always enough, we were born enough, regardless of the decisions we make for OURSELVES.
When we say YES and NO on our own terms, we create the life we want, we create balance, we create presence, we create fulfilment, we create respect, we create trust, love, authenticity and real friendships.
We can self-love and self-respect, the list goes on and on. I can promise with 100% surety that the benefits of living on our own terms far outweighs any fears of what we could lose or have less of by saying NO more often.
To make any change in our lives we have to take massive action, this can change for all of YOU reading this right now, if this is something that has plagued your life since you came out of your Mothers womb then now is the time to change.
This change takes a willingness to leave our old habits, beliefs and thought patterns behind, to make them a thing of the past and now instead mindfully creating new beliefs and thought patterns that truly serve our lives.
So let’s start today by making some decisions that feel right to us (in our hearts).
What is one decision big or small that you can make by truly following your heart today? What do you really want to say a solid NO to? What do you really want to say a solid and committed YES to?
Start today and simply assume only the best to come out of the decisions you make.
Listen to your heart, not your head.
Your heart always knows.
And...... Be kind to yourself, always.