Relationships can be very confusing sometimes, one minute we are deeply in love and the next we barely notice each other, we seem to be too busy wrapped up in our own heads to remember why we are even together in the first place.
We go from a loving and fulfilling relationship, to mediocrity and a lack of fulfilment, we end up arguing with each other a lot, bickering about things that matter very little, we lose our passion and we don’t seduce each other anymore.
Our phones or the television suddenly become a lot more appealing than being present with our Partner.
Relationships end all the time because people say they have “fallen out of love” but the truth is no-one fell in love or fell out of love, they just stopped creating it and they stopped receiving it, love is in our actions, love is in our words, love is in our emotions, love is body, love is heart.
So here are 5 reasons you and your Partner aren’t getting on anymore and how to change that, right here, right now, before it’s too late:
You Aren't Aware That You Are Scared
When our relationships are our deeply loving experiences it can get a little bit scary, when we let someone into our heads and hearts we become vulnerable and open to feel pain and hurt.
If we have a belief that the relationship won’t last or that we shall be hurt once again, then when we get scared and have fearful thoughts we will often close off and we will push each other away in whatever form works best. That means arguing, getting annoyed for no apparent reason, trying to control each other and losing trust when our Partner has done nothing to make that happen.
The thing is, there isn’t anything particularly wrong with our fear in these scenarios, it is just an inherent design in the evolution of our brains that keeps us safe from danger, since we no longer have Tigers trying to kill us, our mind finds other ways to use this mechanism and that means being scared of emotional pain.
Our fear wants to keep our safe, but we don’t often like the feeling that we feel when fear presents itself and because of this we will act in ways that distance us from that emotional hurt.
The key here is to become aware of the thoughts that our fears create and to not identify with them or attach ourselves to those thoughts, instead simply observing them with love and compassion for a built in mechanism that is trying to keep us safe.
The fear we feel in our relationship is a perfect tool to learn about ourselves and to grow, the more we use it in this way the more loving and deep our relationships can go.
You Don’t Communicate When It Matters Most
Leading on from our fears, we must now talk about the topic of communication. Communicating when it matters most in our relationships means being vulnerable, it means showing parts of ourselves that don’t often get shown to the world, it means sharing our heart with another.
The great thing is vulnerability is the root of connection, meaning that the more we are vulnerable in our lives and communicate with authenticity, the more connection we create with others.
Being that we are social creatures that crave connection, this is a very good thing.
So communicating when it matters most is about sharing our fears, our worries, our goals, our desires, our wants, our needs, our boundaries, our “yes’s” and our “no’s”, and of course the love we feel for others (in this case our intimate Partner).
When we don’t communicate these things, we miss out on the feeling of freedom that authenticity brings and we miss out on deeply connecting with our Partners which takes away a lot of the confusion and hurt that can occur in our relationships from having no idea what each other is thinking or feeling, or even what each other wants and needs at any given time.
Communication in our relationships is an ongoing practice that for as long we are together will not come to an end.
You Blame Your Partner
So now we know communication is important, here’s how to communicate more effectively.
In our relationships things can sometimes get confusing and hurtful, one minute we are in a loving and fulfilling relationship and the next we aren’t enjoying each others company very much, we get annoyed at the smallest of things, and we don’t seem to be able to communicate our feelings very effectively.
One of the reasons for this is the lack of responsibility we take for our own feelings and actions, we don't take responbility for how we are the ones creating the way our relationship is with our Partner, what happens is we begin to communicate with “You statements”.
These “you statements” make our Partner feel attacked, we begin pointing the finger of blame at the person we love, our Partner is being made to feel completely responsible for the situation and our own feelings and emotions, when in fact it is only ourselves who are responsible for those feelings, emotions and the situation.
An example of a “you statement” can go like this: “You don’t put any effort into our relationship, you make me feel unloved and unwanted, if you tried harder we would have a much better relationship”. Whilst this maybe true, we will never get our desired result by blaming someone else for the relationship or the feelings we are feeling, instead we hurt our Partners ego, closing them off and actually making them want to be the way we don’t want them to be (This can often be a very unconscious choice).
What we can instead do is take full responsibility for the relationship, the situation and most importantly our own feelings. Instead of blaming our Partners we could communicate more like this - “I feel unloved and unwanted right now, I feel hurt that we aren’t being loving to each other and not making an effort to make things better, I have a need to feel loved and when that need isn’t being met I get fearful so I act in ways that are hurtful to push you away.”
In this way we take responsibility with our language, using “I feel”, or “I am statements” to communicate our feelings without blaming one another.
You Don’t Listen
One of the most powerful ways to communicate in any relationship is to say nothing at all, when we are fully present with each other rather than waiting to have our say, giving advice, or speaking over each other, we allow our Partners to really feel seen and heard, we allow them to feel that what they have to say is important to us, we allow them to feel that their feelings, thoughts and opinions do actually matter to the person they love the most.
Listening effectively means being still, present and completely free of judgment whilst our Partners are speaking, it means not interrupting when they are speaking their truths, it means not giving unasked advice, it means not thinking of what you want to say or what we are having for dinner tonight, it is complete and utter presence.
We can all do this, we all have time for this, we can sit and be still for the time in which our Partner is speaking and if they ask for our advice or what we feel or think, then we can talk, then we can have our time to communicate our own feelings.
So let’s allow our Partners to really be felt, to really be seen, to really be heard.
You Are Taking Your Partner For Granted
Here’s a poem I wrote about familiarity in our relationships:
“Familiarity isn't an excuse,
To treat our loved ones with verbal abuse,
There was love in the beginning it all seemed right,
The first few weeks you saw in the other, nothing but light.
As time passes you start to see a flaw, then another and another,
Why can't you see beauty in the other?
It was there before, you chose to adore,
Your love was new and fresh, it felt incredible when the love was expressed,
So why has it slowed?
Did you expect perfection? Did you expect to always see light?
Well let me tell you there will always be light,
It's up to you to choose how bright,
Come out of the cloud of frustration,
Take away your expectation,
Familiarity isn't an excuse.
This person you love, you are taking for granted,
Give nothing but love and stay enchanted,
It's all a choice, you are in control of your voice,
In the beginning you were present with the other,
They were everything you wanted in a lover,
But then they became a habit,
A process of automation,
Come back to the present and choose appreciation,
Be present with the other, see them and choose love.
Familiarity isn't an excuse,
To treat your loved ones with verbal abuse.”
Please don’t forget how much this person in your life means to you.
Please don’t get old and realise that you haven’t been giving the person you love the most in this world any love at all, please don’t look back on your life in regret because you forgot to appreciate and give attention to your Partner.
I invite you to take these 5 reasons and really think about them, how do they fit into your relationship? What could you take responsibility for and work on from that list right now? What would allow your relationship to be a loving and fulfilling experience?
What can you commit to right now to make the change that really matters most?
With love, George.
Creating An Incredible Relationship Takes Self-Awareness, A Willingness To Be The Best And A lot Of Self-Love.
I have created an Ebook called "Self-Love: Creating The Freedom To Be You", you can receive this book by entering your email below. (No spam at all, I send out an email a few times a month with articles I have written and more value that I love to provide).
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About the Author:
My name is George Howard, my life’s mission is to be relentlessly ME, to BE alive and to liberate others wherever I go so they can do the same.
I believe wholeheartedly that the freedom to be ourselves is vital to living a fulfilled life, to be authentic, to be the real us, to not hide away, to be vulnerable and accept ourselves completely.
The coaching and writing I create allows my inspiring clients and readers to come alive in their own lives.
Learn more about me here.